CallBoard’s Classy Catalog for Creating Conceivable Chemistry

By Mariah Bowels | Valentine’s Day 2018

Dearest readers, today is St. Valentine’s Day! And in light of such wondrous occasions we have a special literary delicacy just to your fancy. Likely you’ve already consumed quite too many of those horribly undistinguished Conversation Hearts (not because you really wanted them, simply because they were there), and you are now entirely enthralled in arranging outings with acquaintances of yours who, like you, will be spending this felicitous holiday in the absence of romantic prospects.

But not to fear! The eminent CallBoard has come to the rescue again! Aside from lending you unfathomable opportunites to pursue your passion by way of audition posts that positively take the egg, we have also eradicated the last concern on your St. Valentine’s Day agenda! This, of course, is the fact that although you are the brilliant, budding star in a production that is just nanty narking, you have a dreadfully unappealing performer as your romantic opposite. Quite a dilemma, to be sure.

To ease your troubled heart, here is a foolproof approach to creating chemistry on the stage with a fellow artist who is nothing short of a zounderkite. Never fret, you’ll be sure to have all of your chuckaboos absolutely fooled within a fortnight. Now if there were only such a list to help you procure love in your real life… Ah, but let’s not make a stuffed bird laugh. Enjoy!

Classy - CallBoard


Look About.

Perchance the most difficult element of conveying romantic interest on stage toward one who is an undeniable gib face is their lack of natural charm! To combat this, simply look about while you are acting. Glance at the lights, the cutlery, the whooperups performing in the ensemble behind you, anything to avoid gazing directly into your rather dull partners face. In this fashion, you will tactfully avoid the unfortunate noticing of their parish pickaxe or their greasy mop of hair!


Olfactory Solutions.

It may be that the cause for your disinterest in your scene partner lies in the fact that they are a noxious gong-farmer. The solution? Smother them in eau de toilette when they are not looking! This can be done while they are sleeping, or by way of creating a bang up to the elephant distraction. Sing them sweet lullabies, or cause the props master to be livid by breaking everything in sight!

Although it may be helpful to have an associate shake a flannin with the props master while you apply the toilette… Whatever your approach may be, unadulterated joy is to be found in such a bully solution.



Ahh, so it is the sound emanating from your scene partner’s sauce-box that so vexes you! In this case, simply require that you romantic opposite engage in a series of demanding and lengthy vocalises.

One of two outcomes will undoubtedly occur. Either their vocal timbre will improve, much to the gratification of your poor, assaulted ears OR they will simply lose the ability to vocalize completely! In both of these circumstances, the desired goal is achieved. Quite the afternoonified approach, we must say.



At times, the situation is simply too deplorable and there is no feasible way to make an imaginary romance with a hornswoggling clodhopper believable to your audience members.

At such a point, it is recommended that you escape as quickly and effectively as possible. Of course, it is ideal that you do this only after having unwaveringly maintaining an air of podsnappery during your other attempts of rectifying the situation. However, the wise combatant admits defeat gracefully and knows when the time has come to move on to far greater things.

Leave wailing, throwing about accusations, and otherwise mafficking quite as much as humanly possible. Only then will you know that you have successfully absorbed CallBoard’s Classy Catalog for Creating Conceivable Chemistry. And with that we wish you all the best, dearest bricky friends.

Unequivocally brilliant thoughts? Further use of Victorian vocabulary? Please, share below.

Sources for this article
  • Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash


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